1818 miles apart...

I know it's been a while since I last wrote, and people have been asking me if I gave it up or got bored....No, I did not. Hubbs was here - FOR A WHOLE MONTH!!! Let me pause while I contain myself here. Anyways, I may be no expert on long distance relationships, but I do know that rule #1 is 

"don't spend time blogging when you can spend time with the love of your life that you never get to see"

So on that note, I figured I would share what it's like to be in residency and to have a long distance marriage. This is not a common situation for people in general, let alone residency, so I feel like there are few people out there that truly understand what it's like. You know how I know that? Cause everyone seems to pity me when they find out....."Oh man!! That must SUCK!!! I can't even imagine how horrible that must be?!!" Really?! Is that really what you think is going to make me feel "better" (assuming that I'm feeling bad to begin with) - hearing how horrible this must be??

Well, I have news for you - it's not horrible. It's not ideal by any means, but believe me when I say things could be WAAAAAAAAAAAY worse.

Hubbs and I met on our tropical island medical school paradise, about 4.5 years ago. We fell in love almost instantly, and he swept me right off my feet....it was fabulous. I knew I loved him 5 days after meeting him, we said it to each other on day 10, and on day 14 (which just happens to be my lucky number, even more so now) he asked me to marry him....this was the first "non-official" proposal, which would be followed 2 years later with a more formal and official one in Queens.

Anyways, so as this was Hubbs' last term on the island, we savored every moment, island hopping over Easter, playing cards on the our back patio with my roomies, having his home-cooked meals, and drinking rum and gingers with our friends who lived on the cliffs over the beach. I couldn't have imagined a more romantic place to fall in love. Most of our time was spent studying and/or in class (for him, not me), but every day when he finished class, he would come get me at the library, and we would sit on a bench behind the library and watch the sunset....our bench. Sometimes we talked, and sometimes we just sat quietly. There were times of stress where I would just cry and he would comfort me. Sunset bench times were some of my favorite times, and I would give anything to be sitting there with him right now.

And then. Then came the end of the term, and the beginning of Hubbs' state-side education. He was moving to NYC for his rotations, and I would be staying on the island another year. I was crushed. I cried a lot. I spent the first 6 weeks of our distance in Phoenix with my sister, and I spent 100% of my time thinking of him. I was miserable. When I got back to the island, I had school and my friends to distract me, and I even got to visit my man a couple of times through the term and at Christmas. Every time we parted I would cry, but each time got easier and easier, and eventually, the crying stopped, and I would be excited to get back to my life. When apart we would talk every day, sometimes for 5 minutes, sometimes for an hour. On occasion we would have skype dates, and would play games of 'higher-or-lower' with cards.

At the end of my island-time I moved to the big apple to be with Hubbs and life was good. We lived in Queens, and we had a great time together. Despite my new-onset sleep-fighting, we had no problems.....but man.....the sleep-fighting was a problem (for Hubbs; it didn't bother me!!) In March we found out that Hubbs would be doing his residency in Arizona - a LONG way from NYC. I was sad, and he looked forward to good sleep. It wasn't going to be easy, but we knew we could make it work. As he put it, we didn't have a choice. We were both in this for the long haul, and not being together was not an option.

So off he went to Arizona, and the desert that awaited him, only 9 short months after we had finally been reunited. I finished up my 3rd year rotations in NY, and then moved out to be with him while I studied for my board exams, and did my first 4th year rotation....3 months in total. And then back to NY for a couple of months. Then to Colorado for a month, then Arizona for another rotation, and then back to NY for my last three months of medical school.

Throughout all of this, I was applying for residencies, going on interviews, and deciding where and what I wanted to be when I grew up. Of course I wanted to be in Arizona with Hubbs, and I had a program out there that I'd rotated at, who took people from my school every year, and who had implied (via the Program Director) it was a sure thing. It was not; lesson here - don't trust anyone in the match.

And then came the match......and the scramble......and the signing of the contract that would have me out here in the mid-west, for another TWO YEARS of distance from Hubbs. I was crushed....again. I knew I could do it, and I didn't really have a choice. I kinda figured that I could reapply to the match the next year or try to switch into another program. Bottom line, I was not happy, and the biggest reason was that I was 'ready' to start a family - let me clarify this point by saying that emotionally, and physically I am ready, but fitting a baby into this life I  have right now? There's no way. I can't keep a plant alive (RIP 7 plants I've bought....I've since given up and gone silk/plastic) let alone take care of a baby; not really sure how people do that in residency. I would think a psych consult may be in order for them when that pee-stick turns positive.

Anyways, so yes, for those that have not already been made aware, I am baby crazy.....like certifiably so. I snuggle any kid I can get my hands on, and I really never want to put them down. When I log onto facebook and see yet another friend posting the growing belly photos, it makes me sad; not that I'm not thrilled for each and every one of them, but I want it...it's jealousy-sad. Not only that, but it makes me want to get into such awesome shape that I can do a reverse belly picture set....but I'm tired and lazy and full of excuses, so that doesn't happen either (note: recent infomercial purchase of "Metamorphosis: the body transformation system" is to begin tomorrow....Gwyneth Paltrow uses it, so I figure that based on what the infomercial says, I should be in full G.P shape in about 90 days....or else I want my money back!) Looking back on the turn of events that put me away from Hubbs, I see that even if together, there's no way there's a baby in my future during residency, so my biggest reason for feeling bad about being apart is a moot point anyways.

Now here I am almost a year after moving to my new home. Hubbs and I have seen each other periodically through the year (usually every 2-3 months), getting married last September, and having fun little trips when we have gotten together for visits (Vegas, Chicago, Toronto). And with the finish of my intern year and a year away from him, we have both had a bottom line solidified in us that we've told to a million people, explained to just as many, and is something that so few think about when considering people in our situation......and it is this:

Residency is a ridiculous time where you work, and when you aren't "working" you're doing other work for work, or thinking about work, or studying things for work, or charting things for work......in short, much of your life is consumed by work and work-related things. The ability to be able to focus 99% of your time and effort on yourself during this time is priceless, and Hubbs and I have both been afforded this opportunity. We get to chat every night, and see each other every few weeks, but for the most part, my time is my time, and his is his. If I get home at 7pm and have to chart until 11pm, I can have a pop-tart for dinner and fall asleep watching Southpark without worrying about what someone else wants to eat or watch. If I want to let my apartment get to a point of slovenliness that only frat-boys and farm animals have grown accustomed to cause I'm not in the mood to clean, that's okay. I can keep the thermostat at my ideal temperature, and my music on whatever band I want. There are parts of this distance thing that are truly delightful....and thrifty - you'd be surprised how much you can save on razors and shaving cream when you only shave your legs once ever couple of months ;-)

And one of the best things is that when Hubbs and I get together, we have a great time. We have fun because we have precious time, so we're always glad to see each other. It doesn't mean we don't miss each other when we're apart - of course we do. But why wallow in what you can't change when you can enjoy the benefits....there's an upside to most situations!

So most people don't see this....they just say things like those mentioned above, or they'll be like "Have you wondered if you guys will be able to make it work when you end up living together?" Please don't ever say that to me. I'm sorry, but all I have to say to people who make that statement is that they should bugger off. Seriously? That's like saying "Have you considered the possibility of your marriage crumbling when you live with each other?" We're not dating, we're married! We said vows and made commitments and I can't imagine my life without Hubbs, or his leaving the toilet seat up, his glasses being left all over the apartment, his piles of clean, semi-clean and dirty clothes, and his need to build a 'pillow-wall' in bed at night between us so that he can "protect" himself from my sleep-fighting. There's nothing about living together that we haven't encountered that would ever be a deal-breaker, and the thought that someone would think otherwise makes me wonder how quickly they would abandon their relationship (if they have one.) You don't throw something away if it doesn't work properly, you try to fix it, and you make it work. The only real issues we have had in our relationship are related to us not physically being together, so they are issues with a time-limit on them. They are resolving, and going away with each day that brings us closer to being permanently reunited, and there's not one doubt in my mind that we will grow old and live happily ever after. He's my fairy-tale prince who rode in on a junky silver Grenadian car, and swept me off of my feet....that will never change.

So that's my story on how I ended up in a long-distance marriage, and why it's not all that bad. We've been together for 1601 days today, and we've only actually been with one another for about 160 of those days, or 10% of the time....and yet I've never been so sure of anything or anyone in my life. I don't need him by my side all the time (even though I would totally LOVE that), and for now it's better for both of us and our careers to be apart. I have 13 months left on my own (395ish days, if anyone's counting), and when I consider that this is that last time I have alone in my life, it makes being selfish with my time all that much easier. In about 395ish days we will be back together......for good. No more distance. So don't pity us, feel sorry for us, or try to give us unsolicited marriage advice - unless you are in a long distance marriage and you are also in residency, you don't know what we're dealing with. We've made it work this long, and I would say that I think we are the masters in long-distance marriages. What doesn't kill you (or your relationship) only makes you stronger :-)

 -best-study-breaks-ever-