My Hippocratic Oath

I swear by Apollo, the healer, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath and agreement:

To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art; and that by my teaching, I will impart a knowledge of this art to my own sons, and to my teacher's sons, and to disciples bound by an indenture and oath according to the medical laws, and no others.

  

I do consider dear to me those who taught me this art -  Hubbs, Nealie Poo, Dr. Smith, Mel, The Baroney Pony, Noah, Goljan, Dr. Wolf, Dr. Sindler, Robbins, everyone I have worked with here in residency, and most importantly my Dad. You have all shared your goods with me and I'm the Doctor I am today thanks in part to all of you. I love where I am right now, in a program where all levels 'live in common' with each other... The support here has  been amazing (yay scrambling!!) I look forward to next year and our new class of interns (we got a few great DOs already), and that's not just because I like to be the boss ;-) 

I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.

Obviously. Now it's whether the patients will comply with these regimens that is really the big problem....maybe patients should be taking an oath themselves. Maybe I'll make patients do that when I have a private office -

Me: "Okay so we start with the oath...repeat after me. "I will follow the regimens that my doctor has prescribed for the good of me, according to more than ten years of education that it took for them to learn to make these decisions for me. My Doctor's judgement in the world of medicine should overrule my own with certain decisions to be made in treatment, though I am always encouraged to ask questions so that I might better the understanding of my diseases, rather than taking my medical opinions by what I heard from Jenny McCarthy or Fox News. If I do not like something about my treatment, I will bring this to the attention of my Doctor, and we will find a treatment that we can agree on through me being honest about my abilities to comply and the things that may stand in the way of my treatment. My Doctor takes an oath to never do harm to anyone, and I will trust that they have my best interest in mind. I will do this because I trust this doctor, and if I don't then I will find a new doctor without Doctor Shopping all over town.""

Pt: "Uhhhh, not sure I want to make that oath."

Me: "Fired."

.....wouldn't it be nice if it could work that way though?

I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion.

Of course I will never physically give someone a lethal drug....but that does not mean that I am against certain practices that are legal in other countries/states; I watched a heartbreaking documentary about a man who was dying of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). He traveled to Switzerland where he scheduled his suicide...while he was still physically capable to do so, this man sat with his wife by his side, having said his good-byes to those he loved, and tying up all his loose ends. He drank from a cup a liquid that would slowly and peacefully let him drift away to wherever, and he would be freed from the prison that his body was turning into. He did this holding his wife's hand and listening to his favorite music. Everyone in the world should be so lucky to have such a fabulous exit to their life, and so few get something even remotely as dignified. His disease was preventing him from living the life he loved and doing the things he liked to do. As it progressed, he would have reached a point where he was completely immobile, being fully present mentally, and having no control over any part of his body, including breathing. So he took control and decided how it was going to happen. I don't know if I could ever practice physician-assisted suicide, but I'm definitely not against it. 

Being too much of a hot topic, I'm not even going to get into the last part of the above statement.... I will say, however, that I would never give a pessary to cause an abortion.

But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts.

I definitely promise that I will not engage in anything that will divert me from making the very best recommendations to my patients. It's corny and it's not why I was driven towards this career (the puzzle was), but there is something satisfying about helping people. The happy moments in this job can be few and far between, and I look forward to working with people who I help get better.

I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.

Well, I'm certainly not going to do any hip replacements or open-heart surgeries, but I hope to cut a few people....there's something really cool about cutting things open - abscesses (it's like popping the ultimate pimple...awesomeness!), uteri (who doesn't like anything involving the birth of a baby?), etc. I hope to get certified in some 'minor' surgeries and C-Sections (again, anything involving the birth of a baby!!) I gotta say though, that I way prefer sewing things up than cutting them open. And poking people....it's all in the name of helping people, so don't think I'm some kind of masochist or something. 

In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.

Very happily married , and I don't do doing ill - enough said :-)

All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal.

 Anything my patient's tell me will remain anonymous. I might discuss the general story to colleagues, or perhaps say on a blog, but I'll never connect the dots so that anyone will know anything about a particular person with whom they are not participating in their health care. Couldn't keep everything people tell me secret, or else I'd have no funny stories to tell!

If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all humanity and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my life.

 I will do everything I have said I will do, and I will love every minute of it. I remember being like 6 or 7, sitting in my Dad's office, looking at his nameplate from work, and telling him that I wanted to be Dr. T when I grew up, just like him....and here I am, with that nameplate hanging on my 'office'/sparebedroom door (yeah, I said my 'office'...it's where I put my clothes-dryer and pile mail that I don't feel like opening.) My whole life I have wanted to do this, and I would never do anything to compromise that. As far as being respected by all humanity in all times...sounds a little grandiose don't you think? I guess that just goes along with my hypomanic personality ;-)